Moving Forward

I began this blog as a way to help those close to me know what I was doing in preparation for UMC and to help me deal with certain situations that were occuring in my life. Along the way I discovered I really enjoyed keeping this blog and it was a great way for those in my life to know how I am doing without having to have personal conversations. Over the last 6 weeks or so, I have not been as keen with my blog and it has had a lot to do with the drama in my life and not feeling like I can share my true feelings. The rumour mill has been busy and I have not done a whole lot to give my side, I guess you could say I have done a lot of that over the past 9 years. One of my characteristics is that I tend to let people do and say what they want to me and then I try to justify it and make excuses for their behaviour. I am a fixer and I try to avoid conflict at all costs and I always give people another chance even when they have hurt me badly. Certain people in my life know this about me and in the last while some major things have happened and I found myself continuing to defend and hope that this person would behave the way they should. However, I was given a peice of advice the other night and it has really hit home with me; I was told that I have to accept that he is who he is and not who I want him to be. I can't go on hoping he will act the way I think or wish he would act and come to terms with how he really is. I think I have done a lot of waking up in the last few months, enough to realize I was in a relationship out of sense of duty and easiness rather than because I wanted to be. No relationship is perfect, every couple has their ups and downs. Some couples it is easy to see that they have cracks and breaks in their armour, but others are better at hiding the difficulties and struggles within their relationship because then they would have to admit that what they are doing isn't making them happy, and who wants to fully admit that they aren't happy. I have felt like someone who has been trying to force myself to be happy and walk down a path that wasn't right for me, the harder I tried to make it work, the worse the situation got. I couldn't explain why I was so unhappy and why things never seemed right. I had the opportunity to grow in the past 6 months and realize that I am a strong person and that I am not defined by the relationship that I was in and that I did not need to be in that relationship just because children were involved. I was able to realize that I could be a great mom without being in a relationshiop and that being a role model and parent for my girls has nothing to do with whether I stayed married to their father.

I don't ever like to see someone hurt and I do my best to make others feel better, it is a part of what I do for a living and I truly do care about other people, so ending my marriage was probably one of the hardest things to do. Knowing that I was going to hurt someone and see the pain I was causing has been very devastating to me, but staying together was no longer an option. It has been a rocky road full of emotions, some emotions are true and honest and other emotions have been forced on me because of his actions and I realize that I am done being made to feel guilty and bad. I need to deal with my honest emotions and give no one control over how I feel about myself, it has been years, maybe even never, that I have been able to say it is ok for me to feel certain emotions and that it is alright to have those feelings. I have been told for years that my feelings were silly or unimportant or not to feel that way but finally now I know that I can feel how I want to feel and only how I want to feel and no one has the right to tell me my feelings are unimportant or wrong and I know this is an important step, one that I am going to be able to pass on to my girls and it has been nice to gain that control back. I am tired of feeling like I need to make others feel better and it is nice to finally put my feelings first and I know that it will make me a better mom.

I have an amazing family, I do not know what I would do without my parents and my big sister, they truly have been there for me on this journey and I love that they saw this as the right step and something that needed to be done. Same has to be said about my girl friends, you ladies are amazing and the strength you have given to me has been so welcomed and appreciated in my life. You have helped me realize so many things about myself and the importance of being me, I truly am touched that you have been there for me! Finally, I have a person who has come into my life during this journey and is on a similar path as well. Is this the right time to be learning about someone new, possibly not, but at the same time how can having someone who understands and cares be wrong. The support and understanding we have for each others situation is a comfort and to be honest I feel alive for the first time in so many years. I realize there may be judgement out there, but I refuse to make excuses and let other people tell me how I should feel about this. I am enjoying life, laughing out loud and looking to the future and I feel like I can breathe again, so if people feel that is wrong, I guess that is their issue. However, for me I am going to continue down this path and surrond myself with those who love and support me regardless of when they entered my life and I am going to thank each one of you for helping me realize that I do deserve to be happy and that I am a good person and a good mom!

Finally, I have dedicated myself to this ultraman and I continue to reach for the goal I have set for myself, despite many efforts to make this unattainable for me. I will not give up this goal, it is a new beginning for me and a way to break free from the feelings of not being good enough or guilt over setting goals for myself. I love motivating myself and others and I am not going to give up on a large goal just because someone wants me to fail. Like I said earlier, that is their issue and I am no longer going to live my life for someone else. Will I do great, who knows...but will I do it, YES I WILL! Will it make me a better mother, yes I think it will because I will be showing my girls how to stay strong and accomplish something when all the odds are against you! I make no excuses for who I am, I am me and I like me and hopefully if you are reading this you like me as well and I will do everything I can to be a great mom, daughter, sister, friend and person and with your support I know I can do anything!