Fresh Start!

Want to take a quick moment to thank so many of you for the birthday wishes you sent this week. It meant so much to me this year more so than any other year! This birthday wasn't a milestone in the fact that it was a special number birthday, although I do like that it is a double odd number year (33) but it was a milestone birthday in the fact that after 10 years I have officially turned the page in my life. Not sure why my birthday made it more real to me, but this year is the start of me as a mom and person, no longer a wife. A friend wrote me a card that said it "marks the beginning of a new chapter in your life-the one that you get to write!" I love that, it makes me so excited and motivated for the future and so glad that I will get to share all the ups and downs with you! The girls also were with me this weekend, the first of our extended weekends which is just awesome, it is great to be surronded by their positive energy and creativity. Plus the youngest lost her first tooth and the tooth fairy made a visit to the apartment! What a great treat for me!
Have a big week ahead of me, lots of mileage to be put into the books! So better get going!

Tanned Biking Legs

Have to admit that I love that the summer weather has finally arrived! I love the heat and sun, especially when I am biking. There is something about biking in the hot weather that makes you glad to be outside! It turned out to be a perfect weekend for biking, I got in some good challenging rides and am really happy with how I did on all the hills. We headed out on Sunday and I felt pretty strong the entire ride. There was some intense climbs but I never felt that I was outside of my comfort zone. The second half of the ride I attempted to play around with my gearing on the hills because SV pointed out that on day 2 of UMC, I will need to conserve as much energy as possible. I struggled at first but then it got more routine and I didn't feel the need to muscle up every climb, so it did feel more efficient. It is great to get feedback and advice from such a strong rider. Ended up holding a really strong pace for the entire ride and I was happy with my nutrition, feel like I am on track with all of those things for race weekend.

Monday could be described as relentless. Not only did I do a nice hilly ride but I was bombarded with a slew of emotionally draining emails that had to do with the warped situation that has become my old relationship. It is amazing to see the way things are unfolding and how the situation can become so strangely twisted, but in a way I am glad because it is all proving to me that this was the best thing I could have done and despite their best efforts, I am staying strong . I let the emails come at me, but rather than to react to them, I put their negative energy into my bike ride and I found myself attacking the climbs and getting the gearing that I had been shooting for the day before. I felt strong and smooth as I rode and it felt so good to take all the negative emotions and feel it turn around and finish the ride feeling like I could do anything! It was a great confidence booster! If I can deal with all of that negativity and drama for 2 days and still ride strong, I know I can get through UMC!

Happy Father's Day!

What a beautiful day to celebrate all the great dad's out there! (I got out and did a long hilly ride and I am so happy with how I did, but I will update you on that tomorrow, after an even longer hilly ride!)

 I know I have an amazing dad, he is one of those dad's you are happy to have been blessed with!  My dad is the number 1 man in my life for sure! Both my parents, to be honest are the best a girl could ever hope for! I was given some great advice and love from them both today and I felt so much better after talking to them. I guess that is what makes a parent great.  It isn't the material things or the the big gestures, it is those small moments when they are being themselves and taking care of you or giving you a shoulder to cry on or some advice that you may not have thought of or have been to afraid to look at because you are worried about the outcome. It is those moments when they know you better than anyone in the world and give you exactly what it was you needed, even though you had no clue what it is that was needed!  I am grateful to have such wonderful role models and people to help lead me down this path that I am on, they see the weakness creeping in and threaten to kick my butt at the right moments, mom reminded me to stay strong and my dad even dropped the f-bomb today, got to love it!  So to all those great dad's (and mom's) out there, I wish you all the best on this Father's Day and I am reassured to know that there are some great men out there!

Biking Legs..

I'm happy to be finding my biking legs, I knew I had it in me but I love discovering that the more I bike the stronger I get! I have been logging some quality mileage in my running these past few months and I was worried that with all the negativity and road blocks that have been thrown my way that I wouldn't be able to get through the bike mileage for UMC. However, with the new bike, I am happy to report that it fits me perfectly (no longer am I biking on a bike that is to big or fit to someone else) I feel strong and relaxed on the new machine and I have been able to get in some quality rides. Yesterday I was feeling fatigued and sluggish after doing my long run and because of this found the ride really challenging mentally. I had no idea what speed we were riding at and I think I was still depleted from the run, but after a Snickers bar, my legs bounced back and I finished the 3 hour ride feeling strong and was surprised by the speed we averaged despite feeling like I was struggling. That was a huge confidence booster for me! Getting ready for a long day tomorrow, starting with an open water swim, we swam in the lake yesterday and it is a great swimming spot, then doing a hard hilly ride, I'm prepared to get my butt handed to me but I can't wait to get out there and work the hills and prepare the legs for what I am going to face in 6 weeks! All I keep telling myself is that I am strong and can handle anything and these past few months have made me stronger! So hills get ready, here comes me and my new biking legs!!

Moving Forward

I began this blog as a way to help those close to me know what I was doing in preparation for UMC and to help me deal with certain situations that were occuring in my life. Along the way I discovered I really enjoyed keeping this blog and it was a great way for those in my life to know how I am doing without having to have personal conversations. Over the last 6 weeks or so, I have not been as keen with my blog and it has had a lot to do with the drama in my life and not feeling like I can share my true feelings. The rumour mill has been busy and I have not done a whole lot to give my side, I guess you could say I have done a lot of that over the past 9 years. One of my characteristics is that I tend to let people do and say what they want to me and then I try to justify it and make excuses for their behaviour. I am a fixer and I try to avoid conflict at all costs and I always give people another chance even when they have hurt me badly. Certain people in my life know this about me and in the last while some major things have happened and I found myself continuing to defend and hope that this person would behave the way they should. However, I was given a peice of advice the other night and it has really hit home with me; I was told that I have to accept that he is who he is and not who I want him to be. I can't go on hoping he will act the way I think or wish he would act and come to terms with how he really is. I think I have done a lot of waking up in the last few months, enough to realize I was in a relationship out of sense of duty and easiness rather than because I wanted to be. No relationship is perfect, every couple has their ups and downs. Some couples it is easy to see that they have cracks and breaks in their armour, but others are better at hiding the difficulties and struggles within their relationship because then they would have to admit that what they are doing isn't making them happy, and who wants to fully admit that they aren't happy. I have felt like someone who has been trying to force myself to be happy and walk down a path that wasn't right for me, the harder I tried to make it work, the worse the situation got. I couldn't explain why I was so unhappy and why things never seemed right. I had the opportunity to grow in the past 6 months and realize that I am a strong person and that I am not defined by the relationship that I was in and that I did not need to be in that relationship just because children were involved. I was able to realize that I could be a great mom without being in a relationshiop and that being a role model and parent for my girls has nothing to do with whether I stayed married to their father.

I don't ever like to see someone hurt and I do my best to make others feel better, it is a part of what I do for a living and I truly do care about other people, so ending my marriage was probably one of the hardest things to do. Knowing that I was going to hurt someone and see the pain I was causing has been very devastating to me, but staying together was no longer an option. It has been a rocky road full of emotions, some emotions are true and honest and other emotions have been forced on me because of his actions and I realize that I am done being made to feel guilty and bad. I need to deal with my honest emotions and give no one control over how I feel about myself, it has been years, maybe even never, that I have been able to say it is ok for me to feel certain emotions and that it is alright to have those feelings. I have been told for years that my feelings were silly or unimportant or not to feel that way but finally now I know that I can feel how I want to feel and only how I want to feel and no one has the right to tell me my feelings are unimportant or wrong and I know this is an important step, one that I am going to be able to pass on to my girls and it has been nice to gain that control back. I am tired of feeling like I need to make others feel better and it is nice to finally put my feelings first and I know that it will make me a better mom.

I have an amazing family, I do not know what I would do without my parents and my big sister, they truly have been there for me on this journey and I love that they saw this as the right step and something that needed to be done. Same has to be said about my girl friends, you ladies are amazing and the strength you have given to me has been so welcomed and appreciated in my life. You have helped me realize so many things about myself and the importance of being me, I truly am touched that you have been there for me! Finally, I have a person who has come into my life during this journey and is on a similar path as well. Is this the right time to be learning about someone new, possibly not, but at the same time how can having someone who understands and cares be wrong. The support and understanding we have for each others situation is a comfort and to be honest I feel alive for the first time in so many years. I realize there may be judgement out there, but I refuse to make excuses and let other people tell me how I should feel about this. I am enjoying life, laughing out loud and looking to the future and I feel like I can breathe again, so if people feel that is wrong, I guess that is their issue. However, for me I am going to continue down this path and surrond myself with those who love and support me regardless of when they entered my life and I am going to thank each one of you for helping me realize that I do deserve to be happy and that I am a good person and a good mom!

Finally, I have dedicated myself to this ultraman and I continue to reach for the goal I have set for myself, despite many efforts to make this unattainable for me. I will not give up this goal, it is a new beginning for me and a way to break free from the feelings of not being good enough or guilt over setting goals for myself. I love motivating myself and others and I am not going to give up on a large goal just because someone wants me to fail. Like I said earlier, that is their issue and I am no longer going to live my life for someone else. Will I do great, who knows...but will I do it, YES I WILL! Will it make me a better mother, yes I think it will because I will be showing my girls how to stay strong and accomplish something when all the odds are against you! I make no excuses for who I am, I am me and I like me and hopefully if you are reading this you like me as well and I will do everything I can to be a great mom, daughter, sister, friend and person and with your support I know I can do anything!

Random!

Another weekend in the books and I have to admit that it was one of those weekends I didn't want to end. We had some beautiful sunny days and. I was able to get out on the new machine, so life is good. Thursday I headed out for the first ride and man it was awesome (I have to thank Jay for working with me to get me back on the roads and riding such an awesome bike) I love riding this bike, I felt so comfortable and it is so light and I feel fast (even with legs tired from a 3 hour run the day before). Friday sv and bjr and I headed to the new uwo pool and although I am not sure if I am sold on this pool it was nice to get in a good workout even though the lifeguards cut it short. After a yummy breakfast we headed out for a ride and did some good hills and pick up efforts. Again, I was impressed how comfortable and strong I feel on this bike! Spent the remainder of Friday at work and then that evening had a few people over to see our apartment and Simon checked out our positioning on our bikes (triathletes sure know how to party,lol!)
Saturday I took advantage of not having to do anything and slept in! Life has been crazy stressful lately and it was so great to just relax and not have to be anywhere and get some much needed sleep! It was a beautiful day which meant another bike ride was needed, ended up only doing an hour and half but what a beautiful day, we actually got to see these 3 planes that must have been practicing for the air show, honestly it was so cool and random, I love that things like this keep happening! A burger and beer on the patio and I couldn't imagine a better way to spend the afternoon.
Sunday we headed over to watch the Lakeside Triathlon, where many friends were racing! They had amazing races and it was awesome to watch them go from nervous first timers to confident triathletes!(LTD even placed 2nd in her age category!!) I was so proud of them! Also had a chance to watch sv put in a solid race effort,which was very impressive! We had fun spectating and it was great to see everyone reach their goals after all the hard work they have put in and to be talking about the next race!
It's a rainy day today but I still plan on getting a ride in, although trainer rides aren't nearly as fun, I will get it done (8 weeks till race day!) And then I get to see my kidlets tonight---what could be better!